39 Reasons BuzzFeed Lists Are Too Long (31 Will Blow your Mind!!)

Written by Danny Bradley, Michael Burton, Shell Byron and 18 unpaid interns.

  1. By the time you get to the end you have forgotten the first one.
  2. No one needs 63 reasons to eat turmeric.
  3. Length can give the illusion of substance (I.e. size matters).
  4. But the titles are often better than the content.
  5. They make their articles longer…
  6. …By dividing each point…
  7. And they start each point with connectives
  8. So that they can continue their train of thought
  9. And make the points last longer
  10. Higher numbers give rise to the illusion of accomplishment.
  11. The longer they are, the more the younger generation can pretend that they are ‘reading’. Like a book, or something.
  12. Because that is what happens when student-targeted media websites get out of control.
  13. Often, the same point is repeated but using slightly different wording.
  14. Many a time, something said is then replicated via synonymous words.
  15. Seriously though, it is very annoying when they take a thing and find different phrasings for it just to beef things out.
  16. Honestly, it is infuriating when wording is rejigged to re-iterate the previous notion.
  17. No one requires 48 justifications to consume herbaceous plants.
  18. By this point you should be starting to feel like this list is too long.
  19. LEGEND_20160117_210157 (1)
  20. Although seemingly designed for our attention deficient generation, most people won’t read a whole one.
  21. The 10 commandments (the first ever BuzzFeed list) was deemed too short. Every list since then has been longer. We can’t help but feel it’s gone too far in the other direction.
  22. This has all been one, enormous mistake.
  23. 72 reasons why pens are good is quite enough. 73 is too many.
  24. BuzzFeed are masters in the art of distraction. If you are going to get distracted by anything, make it porn. It’s better.
  25. These are shameful pieces of journalism and making them longer makes them seem more sophisticated somehow.
  26. You can’t stretch out one idea and call yourself prolific.
  27. They often deviate from the point.
  28. I am scared because the world is changing and I am not fit for that change. I prefer words over emojis and grief over a digitalised frowny face. I am my parents.
  29. No one desires 50 reasons why they should eat a culinary plant leaf.
  30. No-one ever uttered the phrase “And by the time I’d read number 57 on the list, I knew my life would never be the same.”
  31. Everyone you’ve ever loved will one day be dead. As will you. And everyone you’ve never met will not even spare a thought for your death.
  32. You obviously remember a lot from your childhood but to list all of them would be to miss out on a large part of your adult life.
  33. If the writer has to go home on time, they’ll be forced to confront the same four walls, again.
  34. They probably let many writers contribute to one piece, all with different visions, rather than trusting one artist to get the job done.
  35. The longer the Buzzfeed, the longer you are trapped.
  36. BuzzFeed writers do not know how to let a piece reach its natural ending.
  37. You did nothing to stop them.
  38. Can you remember the first reason?
  39. Fair enough, but what about number 8?

 

Stay Awake Hypnosis (Includes VIDEO)

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The Romans had it easy. All they had to do was build the foundations of civilisation as we know it. They never had to face the the perils of data entry. The same is true of our grandparents’ generation. They can never comprehend what it feels like to work a 9 hour day, sat down in a call centre, with only an hour’s break. No, they were idly re-assembling a country blitzed and battered by war. Lazy, lazy grandparents. Next time they tell you you’ve never had it so easy, tell them to shove it up their post-war socialist arseholes. This truly is the hardest time to be alive. And it is this, I believe, that has led to the epidemic of tiredness that is raping our country without protection.

Ask anyone how they are nowadays and you are bound to get the same response; bit tired. So tired. I can’t wait for my bed. Or invite a mate for a drink after work and what will they say? Oh, I’d love to but I’m just really tired. Even you, reading this, are probably feeling drowsy. You’re thinking, why are there so many words? Why can’t it just be a buzzfeed? I hate nuance.

Many people will tell you ridiculous things when you tell them you’re suffering from an unrelenting tiredness.They’ll say things like have a look at your diet, exercise more, JFK is still alive. But the truth is that the only way to really stay awake is hypnosis.

Jamie Charlotte-Anne (PhD) is the hypnotist who has helped literally dozens of people overcome their lethargy and now he will help you overcome yours. Below Jamie has created a free Stay Awake Hypnosis just for you. After listening to this you will find yourself sociable, energised and able to follow through with commitments to friends. Below Jamie has included a testimonial from Francis, one of the people Charlotte-Anne helped overcome their pathetic, sluggy behaviour.

“Recently I was at work for 8 hours in one day. I was rushed off my feet scrolling through facebook, picking up the phone, talking to customers, putting down the phone, answering emails and receiving them. By the time i finished I was a drowsy mess. That night I slept for 70 hours, Luckily I sleep in dog years so I didn’t miss much. But I knew something had to change. I sought the help of Jamie Charlotte-Anne (PhD) and now I am able to do things after work. If any of you are in doubt as to how powerful hypnosis is, let me tell you this; I haven’t slept in 3 days.” Francisca, 24, Cheshire

The Trews is BACK! The Substitrews (E367)

48 hours ago comedian-come- revolutionary Russell Brand announced that he was temporarily quitting the Trews. No doubt he’s been under a great deal of stress. But we at Shaved Dog know you need someone to guide you through the revolt.

So to cover for Russell whilst he’s taking a hiatus, we allocated our mate Angus to do the Trews for a while. Enjoy!

Edingburgh Fringe Highlights So Far

_20150824_150248So the Edinburgh Fringe festival is rapidly approaching its final 118 hours. The Fringe is the largest arts festival  in the  world which thousands of struggling creatives travel to every year in order to accrue thousands of pounds of debt. It has offered a tremendous variety of acts so far. Here, we highlight some of our personal favourites so that you may read about them and form your own opinions based on ours, which are written down, on this page, here, before your eyes, which are in your head.

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JAMIE QUACKELLTACK – ‘I FEEL REALLY OFF TODAY’

Jamie’s debut show attempts to illuminate various issues surrounding mental health by shitting into a canvas bag and asking audience members if they judged him for it. The results are staggering – Jamie insists that the one star review from the Scotsman and the court ordered cease-and-desist notice only proves his point more.

TONY PLOSIFF – ‘GOO GOO GAH GAH’

This delightfully OK show features a spoken word poet creating a poem using individual audience members in the room. He asks them what their first words were, arranges them all together, and the result is a breathtaking recitation of the group assembled poem. Among the most wonderful are ‘dog me mum and ha ha no I look man please take ball ball’, and ‘nah mummy go like shy hat fuck why.’ He plans to collate all of the poems at the end of the run and publish them together in a book entitled ‘snakes me floor eat out out out out out out out.’

LOOK AT US BEING POLITICAL THEATRE – ‘FRUIT CABINET’

It is a daring move to do a politically left-leaning show at an arts festival. Look At Us’ dazzling new show uses fresh fruit to represent various members of parliament in a satirical and excruciatingly dry three-hour performance. Described by the Herald as being ‘brilliant to the point of just not mattering at all’, the show says so many things, none of which can be boiled down to a 57-word summary.

MAX MAYRENI – ‘MY DAD, ARNOLD’

Max Mayreni’s delicate new show tells the life story of his father, Arnold, who served in ‘the war’. It is told from the point of view of a performer who thinks that we care.

TRUE THINGS COLLECTIVE – SPANNER HATE

This daring new one-man show stuns the senses and tickles the sinuses of anyone willing to pay $13 to witness it. One actor takes to the stage, waving a spanner above his head, and shrieks for 95 minutes. In the final 10 seconds, a slide of Margaret Thatcher is projected onto the back curtain. ***** – The Guardian

TILDA SWIPE – I DO NOT NEED YOU

Swipes inventive new 4-minute show has her insisting to an audience in the foyer that she does not need them to make her show work. As yet, no audience members have made it into the auditorium, and Swipe’s financial return is matched only be her self-esteem.

STRAIGHT GAYS THEATRE – DEFINE ME, YOU SLUTS

– This groundbreaking and subversive new production makes The Vagina Monologues look like The Archers. The cast is comprised of several 22 year old pansexual, trans-metro-bi-gender students, all of whom live in Santa Monica, regularly change their names to Sacoya and use Tumblr as a giant trough for their trivial feelings.

ADRIAN THWAITE – I’M SORRY, BUT CAN I JUST…?

Adrian, a favourite on the Fringe stand-up circuit, has just finished squeezing out his latest litany of inconsequential observations. His thoroughly enjoyable angles and perceptions make an audience wriggle with laughter, squeal with wry delight, cough with unacknowledged contempt, cry with exhaustion and tear up with existential angst. ***** The Populist

ANNABELLA RISK – TRANSPARENT

– Annabella is breaking new ground here as she is actually satirizing the fringe itself in her new show at the Pleasance. Her act consists of reviewing totally fictional and increasingly outrageous fringe shows in an attempt to poke fun at hard working artists who have the courage to actually put their idea on a stage. She insists that this jibing comes from a loving place and that she wants to be one of them, really.

The Elephant Who Failed

anthony breedloveChildren used to be squalid turds. Now they’re prolific learners.

There are many social reasons why children are smarter than ever these days; the abundance of online pornography and the increasingly slapdash nature of divorce to name a couple. But none more influential than the works of Sir Anthony Breedlove.

Sir Breedlove is a children’s author of such prowess that the Queen let him knight himself. He is noted for his unconventional style and conservative wit. His audiobooks have been teaching kids to read for almost a generation. His previous works include Bunny Cunt, Clifford’s Midlife Crisis, and everyone’s favourite; Sertraline, Depakote and Lithium Go To The Circus. Now, after a three year hiatus, a divorce, and a vasectomy, Breedlove is back with his most delightful children’s story to date.

The Elephant Who Failed is due for public release on October 12th. You can pre-order your copy now to beat the rush at http://www.breedlove.org.uk. As a special treat, Breedlove agreed to share an extract from the book with us. Here it is:


Extract From The Elephant Who Failed by Sir Anthony Breedlove

I saw then what I had not seen before. The effervescent hatred in his eyes meant only one thing; deep racism. I put the wine glass to my lips and thought about my divorce. I picked up the phone and yelped, “It’s not enough!” It was clear to me now that I was balls deep in really bad feelings.