39 Reasons BuzzFeed Lists Are Too Long (31 Will Blow your Mind!!)

Written by Danny Bradley, Michael Burton, Shell Byron and 18 unpaid interns.

1. By the time you get to the end you have forgotten the first one.
2. No one needs 63 reasons to eat turmeric.
3. Length can give the illusion of substance (I.e. size matters).
4. But the titles are often better than the content.
5. They make their articles longer…
6. …By dividing each point…
7. And they start each point with connectives
8. So that they can continue their train of thought
9. And make the points last longer
10. Higher numbers give rise to the illusion of accomplishment.
11. The longer they are, the more the younger generation can pretend that they are ‘reading’. Like a book, or something.
12. Because that is what happens when student-targeted media websites get out of control.
13. Often, the same point is repeated but using slightly different wording.
14. Many a time, something said is then replicated via synonymous words.
15. Seriously though, it is very annoying when they take a thing and find different phrasings for it just to beef things out.
16. Honestly, it is infuriating when wording is rejigged to re-iterate the previous notion.
17. No one requires 48 justifications to consume herbaceous plants.
18. By this point you should be starting to feel like this list is too long.
19. 
20. Although seemingly designed for our attention deficient generation, most people won’t read a whole one.
21. The 10 commandments (the first ever BuzzFeed list) was deemed too short. Every list since then has been longer. We can’t help but feel it’s gone too far in the other direction.
22. This has all been one, enormous mistake.
23. 72 reasons why pens are good is quite enough. 73 is too many.
24. BuzzFeed are masters in the art of distraction. If you are going to get distracted by anything, make it porn. It’s better.
25. These are shameful pieces of journalism and making them longer makes them seem more sophisticated somehow.
26. You can’t stretch out one idea and call yourself prolific.
27. They often deviate from the point.
28. I am scared because the world is changing and I am not fit for that change. I prefer words over emojis and grief over a digitalised frowny face. I am my parents.
29. No one desires 50 reasons why they should eat a culinary plant leaf.
30. No-one ever uttered the phrase “And by the time I’d read number 57 on the list, I knew my life would never be the same.”
31. Everyone you’ve ever loved will one day be dead. As will you. And everyone you’ve never met will not even spare a thought for your death.
32. You obviously remember a lot from your childhood but to list all of them would be to miss out on a large part of your adult life.
33. If the writer has to go home on time, they’ll be forced to confront the same four walls, again.
34. They probably let many writers contribute to one piece, all with different visions, rather than trusting one artist to get the job done.
35. The longer the Buzzfeed, the longer you are trapped.
36. BuzzFeed writers do not know how to let a piece reach its natural ending.
37. You did nothing to stop them.
38. Can you remember the first reason?
39. Fair enough, but what about number 8?

 

Stay Awake Hypnosis (Includes VIDEO)

The Romans had it easy. All they had to do was build the foundations of civilisation as we know it. They never had to face the the perils of data entry. The same is true of our grandparents’ generation. They can never comprehend what it feels like to work a 9 hour day, sat down in a call centre, with only an hour’s break. No, they were idly re-assembling a country blitzed and battered by war. Lazy, lazy grandparents. Next time they tell you you’ve never had it so easy, tell them to shove it up their post-war socialist arseholes. This truly is the hardest time to be alive. And it is this, I believe, that has led to the epidemic of tiredness that is raping our country without protection.

Ask anyone how they are nowadays and you are bound to get the same response; bit tired. So tired. I can’t wait for my bed. Or invite a mate for a drink after work and what will they say? Oh, I’d love to but I’m just really tired. Even you, reading this, are probably feeling drowsy. You’re thinking, why are there so many words? Why can’t it just be a buzzfeed? I hate nuance.

Many people will tell you ridiculous things when you tell them you’re suffering from an unrelenting tiredness.They’ll say things like have a look at your diet, exercise more, JFK is still alive. But the truth is that the only way to really stay awake is hypnosis.

Jamie Charlotte-Anne (PhD) is the hypnotist who has helped literally dozens of people overcome their lethargy and now he will help you overcome yours. Below Jamie has created a free Stay Awake Hypnosis just for you. After listening to this you will find yourself sociable, energised and able to follow through with commitments to friends. Below Jamie has included a testimonial from Francis, one of the people Charlotte-Anne helped overcome their pathetic, sluggy behaviour.

“Recently I was at work for 8 hours in one day. I was rushed off my feet scrolling through facebook, picking up the phone, talking to customers, putting down the phone, answering emails and receiving them. By the time i finished I was a drowsy mess. That night I slept for 70 hours, Luckily I sleep in dog years so I didn’t miss much. But I knew something had to change. I sought the help of Jamie Charlotte-Anne (PhD) and now I am able to do things after work. If any of you are in doubt as to how powerful hypnosis is, let me tell you this; I haven’t slept in 3 days.” Francisca, 24, Cheshire

URGENT APPEAL: This Affects YOU!

Shaved Dog helping to spread awareness.

This does not get talked about enough.

The Trews is BACK! The Substitrews (E367)

48 hours ago comedian-come- revolutionary Russell Brand announced that he was temporarily quitting the Trews. No doubt he’s been under a great deal of stress. But we at Shaved Dog know you need someone to guide you through the revolt.

So to cover for Russell whilst he’s taking a hiatus, we allocated our mate Angus to do the Trews for a while. Enjoy!

Edingburgh Fringe Highlights So Far

So the Edinburgh Fringe festival is rapidly approaching its final 118 hours. The Fringe is the largest arts festival  in the  world which thousands of struggling creatives travel to every year in order to accrue thousands of pounds of debt. It has offered a tremendous variety of acts so far. Here, we highlight some of our personal favourites so that you may read about them and form your own opinions based on ours, which are written down, on this page, here, before your eyes, which are in your head.

JAMIE QUACKELLTACK – ‘I FEEL REALLY OFF TODAY’

Jamie’s debut show attempts to illuminate various issues surrounding mental health by shitting into a canvas bag and asking audience members if they judged him for it. The results are staggering – Jamie insists that the one star review from the Scotsman and the court ordered cease-and-desist notice only proves his point more.

TONY PLOSIFF – ‘GOO GOO GAH GAH’

This delightfully OK show features a spoken word poet creating a poem using individual audience members in the room. He asks them what their first words were, arranges them all together, and the result is a breathtaking recitation of the group assembled poem. Among the most wonderful are ‘dog me mum and ha ha no I look man please take ball ball’, and ‘nah mummy go like shy hat fuck why.’ He plans to collate all of the poems at the end of the run and publish them together in a book entitled ‘snakes me floor eat out out out out out out out.’

LOOK AT US BEING POLITICAL THEATRE – ‘FRUIT CABINET’

It is a daring move to do a politically left-leaning show at an arts festival. Look At Us’ dazzling new show uses fresh fruit to represent various members of parliament in a satirical and excruciatingly dry three-hour performance. Described by the Herald as being ‘brilliant to the point of just not mattering at all’, the show says so many things, none of which can be boiled down to a 57-word summary.

MAX MAYRENI – ‘MY DAD, ARNOLD’

Max Mayreni’s delicate new show tells the life story of his father, Arnold, who served in ‘the war’. It is told from the point of view of a performer who thinks that we care.

TRUE THINGS COLLECTIVE – SPANNER HATE

This daring new one-man show stuns the senses and tickles the sinuses of anyone willing to pay $13 to witness it. One actor takes to the stage, waving a spanner above his head, and shrieks for 95 minutes. In the final 10 seconds, a slide of Margaret Thatcher is projected onto the back curtain. ***** – The Guardian

TILDA SWIPE – I DO NOT NEED YOU

Swipes inventive new 4-minute show has her insisting to an audience in the foyer that she does not need them to make her show work. As yet, no audience members have made it into the auditorium, and Swipe’s financial return is matched only be her self-esteem.

STRAIGHT GAYS THEATRE – DEFINE ME, YOU SLUTS

– This groundbreaking and subversive new production makes The Vagina Monologues look like The Archers. The cast is comprised of several 22 year old pansexual, trans-metro-bi-gender students, all of whom live in Santa Monica, regularly change their names to Sacoya and use Tumblr as a giant trough for their trivial feelings.

ADRIAN THWAITE – I’M SORRY, BUT CAN I JUST…?

Adrian, a favourite on the Fringe stand-up circuit, has just finished squeezing out his latest litany of inconsequential observations. His thoroughly enjoyable angles and perceptions make an audience wriggle with laughter, squeal with wry delight, cough with unacknowledged contempt, cry with exhaustion and tear up with existential angst. ***** The Populist

ANNABELLA RISK – TRANSPARENT

– Annabella is breaking new ground here as she is actually satirizing the fringe itself in her new show at the Pleasance. Her act consists of reviewing totally fictional and increasingly outrageous fringe shows in an attempt to poke fun at hard working artists who have the courage to actually put their idea on a stage. She insists that this jibing comes from a loving place and that she wants to be one of them, really.

The Elephant Who Failed

Children used to be squalid turds. Now they’re prolific learners.

There are many social reasons why children are smarter than ever these days; the abundance of online pornography and the increasingly slapdash nature of divorce to name a couple. But none more influential than the works of Sir Anthony Breedlove.

Sir Breedlove is a children’s author of such prowess that the Queen let him knight himself. He is noted for his unconventional style and conservative wit. His audiobooks have been teaching kids to read for almost a generation. His previous works include Bunny Cunt, Clifford’s Midlife Crisis, and everyone’s favourite; Sertraline, Depakote and Lithium Go To The Circus. Now, after a three year hiatus, a divorce, and a vasectomy, Breedlove is back with his most delightful children’s story to date.

The Elephant Who Failed is due for public release on October 12th. You can pre-order your copy now to beat the rush at http://www.breedlove.org.uk. As a special treat, Breedlove agreed to share an extract from the book with us. Here it is:

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Extract From The Elephant Who Failed by Sir Anthony Breedlove

I saw then what I had not seen before. The effervescent hatred in his eyes meant only one thing; deep racism. I put the wine glass to my lips and thought about my divorce. I picked up the phone and yelped, “It’s not enough!” It was clear to me now that I was balls deep in really bad feelings. 

The Ballad of John

If music be the food of love we are providing the snacks at an orgy. 

Clarence McLanahan is an Irish folk singer from Bedford. His song, The Ballad of john, recently won the, ‘Most Generic Folk Song’ award at the bi-millenial Folk Song Awards. 

With his kind permission we are sharing that song here, now, below, click. 

Why There Are No Women

G C Crinoline is a Professor of Philosophy at the University of Scrapethorpe. His outrageous claims, supported by long words and circular, stubborn argumentation, has made him a recognized force in modern philosophy

After the success of his previous books, ‘The Epistemic fallacies of Shortbread’, ‘Consonants: The Unfinished Vowel’ and ‘Moss: A Hoax’, Crinoline is back with his most though provoking musings to date. Here he gives us a taste of his latest work, ‘Why There Are No Women’.

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As far as scientific milestones go, the discovery of the double helix, the sequencing of the human genome and the detection of the Higgs Boson all pail in comparison to the revelation, by me, that women don’t exist.

This breakthrough was met with some criticism and resistance; you may remember Germaine Greer screaming on Question Time ‘I’m here!! I’m here!!’ How silly she must feel now that women, as an epistemic concept, have been repudiated. Even though it is largely accepted by clever, important people that women are as real as the tooth fairy, big foot and Katie Hopkins, I feel I should spend a brief moment stamping the dirt down on the graves of the yes-sayers; those tragic, craven wraiths who still believe that women are real.

Behold; a thought experiment. You see a woman on a hill. You think ‘there is a woman on that hill.’ But then, the cardboard cut out of a woman on the hill falls down, revealing nothing behind it.

See? you were wrong and I was right.

Even though this thought experiment is both formidable and bullet-proof, there are some who criticize its internal cogency. Let me respond to these colossal ninnys with the following contention; there was definitely no woman in that thought experiment. To suggest otherwise would make you guilty of the worst kind of intellectual and moral cowardice imaginable.

I met with Cambridge student, Shelley Byron to discuss my controversial work. “I was quite surprised to learn that I do not exist,” she said, “But then again, I would think that, because I do not exist. My surprise is meaningless.” It was refreshing to meet someone who is both pleasant and forward thinking, despite their non-existence.

Let us turn to another objection; many believe in the existence of women due to the vast evidence that you find literally everywhere you look. You may deliberate ‘I remember seeing women everywhere today! In fact I’ve seen them everywhere throughout my whole life!’ But I argue that memory is fallible. This indubitable fact is, in my humble conviction, a fatal torpedo to the ‘evidence’ argument.

For example, you may be reading this now thinking ‘I believe I am a woman.’ However, as a philosophical essayist, I can tell you that this is devastatingly unreliable evidence. Our sense of self too is often erroneous; it is perfectly likely that you are some fishy piece of mainstream bleach that thinks it’s a woman.

Let me be clear, I am not saying that I believe you, the reader, are not a woman. I am merely asserting that you cannot be. As there are none.

Many people suggest (mainly men) that there are no funny women. Unfortunately I cannot help but agree; an abstract concept cannot be funny, no matter how hard it tries. You may be thinking, ‘What about all comedy?’ But no. Look at Jo Brand. Once again you were wrong.

When you grasp the concept that women don’t exist it is much easier to understand why there is so much inequality towards them. Let me clarify; many argue for the implementation of equal pay between men and women. However it is manifestly difficult and completely nonsensical to justify fiscal equality to an inexistant majority.

Finally, some assert that women are biologically necessary for the existence of men, as they give birth to them. Well, what about adoption?

Now that I have effortlessly obliterated every single argument that opposes mine, I shall proceed to explore the reasons for the non-existence of ‘women.’

Dr. Tanya Williams posits an interesting reason, rooted in actual science.

‘The thing about women is that their DNA is self-combusting, causing them to dissolve the second they try to exist. As soon as they exist, they stop existing. So they just don’t ever exist,’ she claims, literally disappearing before my eyes.

However, as a scientist, Dr. Tanya Williams can only give us empirical facts, as opposed to endless conceptual speculation so usefully exploited by philosophers for the last 3000 years.

If we are ever going to discover the real reason for why women do not, and cannot, exist, then it will definitely be in my new book ‘Why There Are No Women’, £37.99, from The Works. Buy it if you really care about women.

Statistics Reveal Trillions of Dead People Didn’t Vote

Marcus Clinch is a quasi-journalist who was fired from The Observer in 2009 when his caustic columns crossed the line into death threats.  From now on, Marcus will be our Political Commentator.  

WARNING: MARCUS CLINCH IS NOT AFRAID TO OFFEND SO IF YOU ARE AFRAID TO BE OFFENDED, BE AFRAID.

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Seeing David Cameron walk back into Downing street was like watching a rapist, who’d stopped for a piss-break,return to the alley where his helpless victim lay sobbing. I do not mean Samantha.

Now, many of you may be reading this thinking, ‘Jesus. that seems a bit harsh’ and you’re right it is, but remember; I didn’t vote him in.

Yes, we can all agree that something went horrifically wrong at this year’s General Election, but why? How? These are all good questions to ask and even better questions to answer. And answers I have.

Figures released this week revealed that trillions of dead people didn’t bother to vote. This is an increase of 24.2% since the last election. Even more alarming, of the 12 million people who have died in Britain since the last election, only 12 of them voted, and 4 of those votes were spoiled ballots.

One would expect the deceased to vote Lib Dem, as they seem like the party most representative of the clinically brain dead, however an expectation is soon drowned in the fish tank of evidence. I felt disappointed and confused by the lack of participation by the dead and so I set out to find out why there was such an abundance of apathy in the afterlife.

Emmeline Pankhurst, dead suffragette, didn’t vote.

Emmeline Pankhurst, who spent most of her alive life as a suffragette, fighting for women’s right to vote, didn’t vote. Speaking openly to me earlier this week in Brompton Cemetery, where she has been buried for the last 87 years: “You know it’s odd,” she confessed, “I never thought I’d let my living situation affect my ideology. But now, man or woman, I don’t think there’s any point in voting. None of the parties listen to the voices of the dead. At the end of the day they’ll just do whatever they want anyway.”

“Look, the way I see it is this; the political system is outdated. They speak in a way that is alien to me and the strange rituals they have in the house of commons makes it seem almost anachronistic,” ranted renowned playwright William Shakespeare. I asked him if he thought voting was important to protect people’s’ rights. “Rights?! What bloody rights?! haven’t even got the rights to my own plays!” He was clearly very passionate about the subject. It wasn’t that he was indifferent it’s just he didn’t believe voting would affect change.

“If you think I’m dead you should see the state of British politics!” quipped the carcass of Eric Morecambe, shuffling his glasses. Although his passing had clearly changed his opinion on democracy it gave me great comfort to know that Eric Morecambe was still funny as a rotted corpse. I left with tears in my eyes and my side hurting from laughter. Comedy used to be so innocent. Now it’s all about absurd ideas and rape jokes.

Sarah was registered to vote but then died and decided not to.

But it wasn’t just dead celebrities that didn’t attend the polling stations. Many ordinary, hard working, less interesting dead people didn’t vote. Gary Friars, who keeled over one Sunday morning in a very bland way, told me, “In my before life I voted Labour, but in my afterlife I didn’t vote. I don’t think either of the parties are different enough.”

However, I did meet one person who did vote.

Anthony Higginsbury, aged 90, said, “I didn’t get gunned down in World War II so that I could live the rest of eternity without being able to have my voice heard every 5 years.” Though he admitted it is hard for the dead to have their voice heard when their vocal cords have been eaten by maggots.

It is hard to tell if the dead are justified in their decision not to partake in this year’s election. But one thing is clear; dead or alive, if you didn’t vote you had no objection to David Cameron walking back into number 10 and now vulnerable people everywhere are crying.

I hate you. Expect firecrackers through your letterbox.

Revolution FAQs

With the election over we can all get back to focussing on the Revolution.

But with Russell Brand harder to understand than a Chinese dog ventriloquist, many people still feel confused by the Revolution. Seeking answers, they have turned to us. We’ve received thousands of emails asking us to if we can clarify things. We’d be glad to…

Below we have answered around 50 of our most frequently asked questions regarding the Revolution. We have answered them the way we see it.

What is the returns policy of a Revolution?

The Revolution is committed to service and satisfaction. If you are not happy with the quality of your Revolution, or the Revolution does not meet your needs, let us know within 14  days and we are more than happy to return you to the crippling inequality of capitalism no questions asked.

What does the Revolution look like?

The most common speculation among believers is that the revolution represents a line of long-surviving plesiosaurs.[4] Much of the scientific community regards the revolution as a modern-day myth, and explains sightings as including misidentifications of more mundane objects, outright hoaxes, and wishful thinking.[5] Despite this, it remains one of the most famous examples of cryptozoology.

The Revolution has been affectionately referred to by the nickname Nessie[b] (Scottish Gaelic: Niseag)[6] since the 1940s.

Are there any side effects?

At first you may find you feel unworthy of the care and status you receive, but this is normal after a timely exposure to marketing.

Does the Revolution have any allergies?

Pollen and walnuts.

Does the Revolution cover me if I go abroad?

Yes, but if, whilst you’re abroad there is a revolution, no.

Do I still get unlimited texts with the Revolution?

You do but you will spend more time with people so you are unlikely to need them all. You may want to consider dropping to 500 a month and see how that goes. Contact our helpline for more info.

What happens if I don’t like my Revolution in Blue?

Paint it. It’s a revolution.

What temperature does Revolution work best at?

We can all decide that nearer the time.

Does the Revolution have a gift shop?

It  does. It’s open from 9am-4pm Monday-Friday and 10-3 Saturday.  There are bracelets, bowls, buttons, mugs, mousepads, magnets, key chains, flags, pins, stuffed animals, toy firetrucks, cellphone cases, tote bags, books and DVDs.

How does the Revolution feel about people who stay put?

A mixture of apathy and envy.

Jeans or leggings?

Leggings are going to be comfier and they look great. Jeans are hard wearing and good for bad weather(even the revolution can’t control the weather! Actually, we can a little as we have strong interest in helping the environment). Why not take both but the ugg boots.

The Revolution will save the environment but will the environment save the revolution if it becomes endangered?

Yes, of course, that’s a stupid question. Jesus.

Will yoghurt still be called yoghurt?

Yes but it will be pronounced ‘cream’.

Will there be a 4 minute warning before the Revolution?

There will be if you ask nicely.

Does the Revolution come in different sizes?

The revolution is one size fits all.

Who will the Revolution be sponsored by?

Apple. They’re cunts but their products are shiny and smooth.

Could Trident blow up the Revolution?

Don’t be silly Trident is a chewing gum.

No I meant Trident the nuclear weapons company.

Oh yeah, we’d be fucked if that happened.

When the Revolution comes is it possible to keep the comically baffled, incoherent bit of Boris Johnson?

Yes, Boris will be sent on a never ending run at the west end for people to go and watch him splutter out nonsense, Harmless fun for all the family. Pre-order tickers now before ticket touts grab them.

Can a Revolution fix my acne?

No, that is a natural part of puberty. Time will heal that. Not Revolution,

Will people still read Orwell when the Revolution comes?

Yes they will read it as they do now, horrified by it’s accuracy. Then they will sigh because all that’s in the past.

Is it possible to overdose on Revolution?

No, you would wee it out before it could really do harm.

Can I have a Revolution if I’m pregnant?

Yes but supplement with folic acid.

I live in Jersey, should I care?

Probably not, we’ll take care of it. We’ll let you know when we’re done.

Will there still be rap in the Revolution?

Yes but the rappers won’t own as much stuff. consequently albums will be a lot shorter.

Gary, come quickly, my waters have broken.

On my way, the traffic’s a nightmare.

I’m a cheerleader; is it revalotion or revulution?

It’s revolution, After the revolution we plan to make various spellings so that cheerleaders can have more diverse work.

My Nan often says very funny things, can I still write lots of comedy routines about this?

Yes, but perhaps your Nan should do it, she sounds funnier than you.

What does the Revolution sound like?

It sounds like when you get out of the bath with water in your ears and someone is playing Abba whilst frying eggs.

What does the Revolution smell like?

Whiskey and care.

Does the Revolution have disabled access?

The Revolution only has disabled access.

What is the nutritional content of a Revolution?

The revolution provides balanced levels of essential vitamins (A, B1, B2, B6, Niacin, B12, C and folacin) as well as being rich in Calcium and Iron. Each pack of revolution provides at least 50% of the RDA for these vitamins listed.

I’m a woman; will I still have my bum pinched in bars?

Not unless you request it. Any person caught pinching a bum will be made to watch 48 hours of non-stop Deal Or No Deal.

Is Zane back in One Direction in the Revolution?

Who? I’m sorry, I don’t know what those words mean.

What’s the dress code?

Come as you are but better.

Is the educational system different in the Revolution?

No, I think we can all agree that there is definitely, definitely nothing wrong with the educational system. At all.

What will become of the royal family?

The Queen will shortly be dead, so let’s not worry about her. Harry will overdose on drugs or be shot by someone we sold arms too. Wills and Kate will be given a flat in Clapham; two bed, joint kitchen, living room, bathroom. That’s the main lot, the others just sort of go away.

The blue dress or the black dress?

You look great in both but you’re going to be late. Get a move on.

Is the Revolution polyamorous?

In theory yes, but it can get very jealous which often makes things difficult.

What about weekend parking?

What about it?

Will it still be free parking on weekends?

Oh I see.  Yes.

Who’s top of the charts?

Richard Shindell.

Which is better; Al Pacino or Robert De Niro?

They are not mutually exclusive. Both depend on each other to survive.

Turn down for what?!

Because it’s getting late and people are trying to sleep. Also, you may damage your ears and you won’t be so cocky then.

Is it true the Revolution causes cancer?

Many people think so but there is no science to support that.

How many frames per second is the Revolution?

9,990 –  a little slower than the current system to allow more time to think.

Can you name all of the United States?

No, i’m not American and do not feel patriotic in the slightest, I can, however, name all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Will I have to poo in a hole in the ground?

No, thats India. You’re confusing revolution with geography.

Do I need any Revolution jabs?

Yes, if you go to your local GP they will inject you with a very small amount of the revolution so you can get used to it. Don’t eat any walnuts or smell any flowers once the jab is admitted.

What time does it start?

The sooner the better, my friend, the sooner the better.

I hope this makes things clearer.